Last week's "My Divorce Journal - What's the Focus?" begins at the turning point of my life, my marriage and my future divorce.
Then - 12/4/2003
“I can’t sleep. It’s 12:00. I woke up because the dog was barking. ‘Carl’ was asleep on the couch so I told him to go up to our bed. My mind was racing with so many thoughts because when he went back to sleep, his breath smelled like liquor to me. I feel sick to my stomach. I have so many thoughts racing through my head:
- Why hasn’t he spoken to his sponsor about wanting to have a drink? It’s very suspicious
- Why do I see a reversal back to the old behavior lately?
- Would he lie again? That scares me the most. If I found out that he’s been lying I don’t think I could deal. Whether I like it or not, I need to know. Has he been diving my children around and drinking?
- I am sick to my stomach with all these questions. I feel like I should go into detective mode and check his van inside and out. It makes me ill that I have to place so much trust into this person that has been lying for 2 years. It is making me sick having him in the house. I don’t want to be a fool. He’s done enough damage to my intuition. I’m having a really hard time trusting my instincts. I truly believe he would lie straight to my face because I think he is that afraid of losing me.
I have no idea what’s normal anymore. How much longer do I need to be affected by this? I don’t trust my husband AT ALL. He’s too much of a people pleaser. He says that when things are not right between us, he feels the need to drink, causing even more damage to our marriage. It is a true Catch-22. I want a break. I want a break from worrying, from questioning, from being scared, from feeling helpless, from feeling overwhelmed and from feeling uncomfortable in my own home”
Now – 2/13/11
At the time I wrote that journal entry ‘Carl’ had started going to AA meetings and I had no idea what I was supposed to do about his drinking, our marriage or anything for that matter. I had lived with an alcoholic for 2 years and had no idea; my idea of normal was shattered with that revelation. Looking back I can see that one of the biggest tragedies in the situation was that I no longer trusted myself or my intuition. I felt so much shame and guilt for not knowing his secret; for inadvertently putting my children in danger by allowing him to drive them around; for being smart and capable yet clueless when it came to his secret.
Finding out that I had been living a lie started a barrage of questions, suspicions, self-doubt and concern for my family. I had no idea who or what to believe anymore. I felt like my life was spinning out of control and I just wanted to get off the ride; I wanted some normalcy back. But what had been “normal” for the past few years? Was I searching FOR something or escaping FROM something? Was I strong enough physically, mentally and spiritually for what lay ahead?
It took awhile to figure all this out but in the meantime I needed to start to unravel the tangled web of trust and deceit.
Next week – Is Trust Fixable?