Success is an arbitrary word which means something
different to each person. Regardless of the meaning we place on
success, it is something that we are all familiar with in varying
degrees. Throughout our life, we’ve experienced incremental
successes along the way.
As children we may have made the honor roll or done
well on a sports team. As we got older, success continued but likely
shifted to social arenas. Your first date or first kiss may have been
a success and when you passed your driver’s license exam. Then, as
we approached early adulthood, success meant something different…
college acceptance, college grades, new boyfriend or girlfriend, a
car, a job, a new position, etc.
Have you noticed that some of your successes
generate negative emotions from your closest friends?
This is the ”success-effect”! At the same
time, some of your biggest successes seem to generate none of these
emotions; no success-effect at all. Why is this?
Understanding what the Success Effect is and why it
shows up at some points in your life yet not at others can influence
your life. You might be able to handle it effectively when it comes
up in a way that brings your friends and loved ones closer to you
rather than pushing them away. And this is after all, what true
success is all about.
Your success is like a shining light, but not always
the way you would think. When you succeed, friends that have not had
the same success as you may compare themselves to you, and see their
own failures more clearly. They either acknowledge that which is
painful OR they react negatively towards you as a self-defense
mechanism. So why is it that the Success Effect only happens
sometimes and not others?
Remember, earlier we said success is arbitrary and
each of us has our own definition of success. What this means, as it
relates to the Success Effect, is that our friends and loved ones
evaluate what we consider to be “success” by their own
definitions. What we consider to be a huge success may not be to our
friends because it doesn’t meet their definition of success. In
these cases, we generally don’t see the Success Effect. However,
regardless of the value we place on an achievement, if a friend
evaluates this as a level of success they have not attained, they ask
themselves a question subconsciously. “Am I moving forward to this
or higher levels of success?” If their answer is “YES” then
they may be supportive of your success. However, if they answer “NO”
to that question… enter the Success Effect.
For you to use this to your advantage in creating
closer relationships, you must understand this and act accordingly.
They don’t wish you failure. They are simply avoiding being
positive about your success because that would mean they have to face
their own deficiencies. Have empathy towards this fear and assist
your friends and loved ones to grow. It is in this way that the
Success Effect can serve you in being outward-focused.
So far we have been viewing this from the
perspective of your successes and your friends. Let’s cut the crap,
you are guilty of this at times too, aren’t you? We sure were…
actually, quite frequently in our past. It has become much less often
for us now but these emotions still show up from time to time. In
fact, you are probably much further along than we were when we
learned this concept.
We are all guilty of this at times if we are honest
with ourselves. One of the 6 Human Needs is significance and since
our brain processes all data through the concept of “relativity”
we assign significance, or insignificance, by relating our
experiences to those around us.
Let’s talk about empowerment! The simplest and
most certain way of never being “run” by this emotional response
again is by becoming aware of where it comes from and why. It isn’t
that you are jealous of someone you care about. It isn’t that you
don’t want them to have their successes. Of course not, you love
them and care about them. You are comparing their haves with your
have-not’s. Here’s how you can handle it:
1. Be aware of your jealous or envious feeling.
2. Recognize the truth; there is abundance in all
things. There is no lack or limitation that can permanently and
forever hold you back form anything you truly desire.
3. Think of three ways you have significance right
now in your life. How does that make you feel?
4. Send the successful person love even if only in
your mind. Create clear mental thoughts about how and why you are
truly happy for them. Understand that you can have the same success
or greater so there is no need to do anything but send them love for
their success.
Perform these steps and you will begin at once to
feel at ease. Your tension will release. You’ll be overcome with
peace and calm. You are now free to enjoy the love you have for your
friend and support them in their journey.