Last week I was noticing who has expressed concern about my behavior and the recognition of when my life is unmanageable.  This week I’m addressing how I’ve sought approval and affirmation from others.  Then – 3/27/2004 “Journal question – How have I sought approval and affirmations from others?  I have always been in need of my parent’s approval.  Even though I can be very independent, there’s always that nagging part of me that peaks around the corner to see if they approve of what I did or said.  I don’t feel comfortable unless I feel they at least understand what I ...

Last week I was applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems. This week I’m looking at whether I feel responsibility and shame for others. Then – 3/12/2004 “Journal question –In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people? When someone I am close to is unhappy, I feel like I can help by listening or doing something for them. I can repeat over and over that I am not responsible for other people’s moods or ...

Last week I was answering about how I respond.  This week I’m applying the 3 C’s and getting honest about whether I’m looking for a quick fix to my problems. Then – 3/8/2004 “Journal question –How can I let go of other’s problems instead of trying to solve them? The best way is for me to keep reminding myself that I am responsible only for myself.  I am not responsible for ‘Carl’s’ problems.  I have to keep repeating the 3 C’s – I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Change it, I can’t Cure it. Journal question – Am I looking for a ...

Last week I was getting honest about the subjects of change and control.  This week I’m answering about how I respond. Then – 3/6/2004 “Journal question –How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want?  How do I respond? I am trying to let go of the need to control everything.  I’m trying to realize that ‘Carl’ is 100% responsible for himself.  However, I still find myself interfering and telling or ‘suggesting’ what to do when it comes to the kids.  In those cases when he is doing something that affects the kids, I have ...

Last week things were pleasant and I hoped that they would continue.  This week I’m beginning to answer questions with the help of Al-Anon’s 12 Step recovery program. Then – 3/2/2004 “Journal question - Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking?  Another person’s behavior? I do accept that I cannot control ‘Carl’s’ drinking but that doesn’t mean that I like it or that I’m at peace with it yet.  His behavior still has an affect on me; if he’s upbeat I wonder what’s going on; if he’s down I wonder what I did now or what’s bothering him.  ...

Last week I had the conversation I had not intention of having.  This week things are pleasant and I hope it continues. Then – 2/25/2004 “Things have actually been pleasant.  I can see him appreciating the kids so much more.  He’s giving them hugs, telling them he loves them, playing games with them.  I hope it continues for their sake.  I’m just leery because for the 2 weeks after he came home (he spent two weeks at his mother’s house when I found out his secret), he was upbeat also and then gradually he went down hill all over again.  ...

Last week I had a sneaking suspicion that my journal had been read.  This week I am faced with another option. Then – 2/22/2004 “I went to see ‘Dr. Brody’.  It was good to see her even though I was nervous.  I explained what’s been going on the past 2 years since we saw each other last (she was the marriage counselor for ‘Carl’ and I).  We talked about how ‘Carl’s’ alcoholism has affected me.  She asked what I wanted and we talked about a separation.  She said that another option could be to have him stay in the house ...

Last week I was questioning what the statistics are for my children’s emotional stability.  This week I have a sneaking suspicion that my journal has been read. Then – 2/21/2004 “I have a sneaking suspicion that ‘Carl’ has been reading this journal.  He’s been caught reading it before.  If he’s reading this then let me say one thing – JERK haven’t you given me enough reasons to not trust you?!  You will NEVER have my trust back if you pull s*&t like this.  You try to listen in on conversations I’m having on the phone; you’re reading my journal!  If ...

Last week I was questioning what the right thing is.  This week I’m questioning what the statistics are for my children. Then – 2/18/2004 “‘Dr. Brody’ had to postpone our appointment until tomorrow.  I’m disappointed.  I guess now that I’ve taken the first step towards talking about all this, I want it to start.  But everything happens for a reason and in due course, so I will wait until tomorrow night.  I’m nervous because it’s been a long time since I’ve spoken to her and I’m nervous because, by talking to her, I’m going to have to make some changes.  ...

Last week I’m being questioned about whether I’m being too dramatic. This week I’m questioning what the right thing is. Then – 2/15/2004 “Yesterday was Valentine’s Day.  I did not get him a Valentine card from me, just from the kids.  I looked at some cards, but I just couldn’t do it.  It felt too hypocritical.  He feels more like a distant friend to me, but I couldn’t buy him a friend card.  Either way I figured that whatever expectations he was having of me, he was going to be disappointed. I got a really great, funny card for the kids ...

Last week I felt like I was driving myself crazy with questions, imaginings and intuition. This week I’m being questioned about whether I’m being too dramatic. Then - 2/3/2004 “The other morning I was so upset because ‘Carl’ had been moping around talking about ‘no closeness’ and ‘Erin’ (my daughter) started to pick up on his mood.  She asked him what was wrong and he said he was just tired.  She said ‘No you’re not, it’s something else.’  I pulled him aside and told him that he doesn’t have the right to affect the kids anymore than he already has; ...

Last week I was getting increasingly frustrated with the vicious cycle that had been a part of our marriage for awhile.  This week I feel like I’m driving myself crazy with questions, imaginings and intuition. Then - 1/26/2004 “I feel like I’m going to drive myself crazy.  Yesterday ‘Carl’ woke up with a headache and then he got sick, throwing up.  Of course my initial reaction is that he must be drinking again.  He got pissed off and said it’s just because he drank too much apple juice first thing in the morning.  I’m remembering the day before when he ...

Last week I was pressured to feel my feelings and come to terms with them. This week I’m getting increasingly frustrated with the viscious cycle that had been a part of our marriage for awhile. Then - 1/24/2004 “I am so tired of being the leader.  I would love to be partners in the true sense of the word; where I can say ‘tag you’re it’ and things will be taken care of. I’m SO tired of having to tell ‘Carl’ what to do.  It’s a catch-22 because when I leave him alone he does nothing and I get frustrated; when ...

Last week I was confronted with the question “What are you doing to fix this?”  This week I am looking inside to figure out what I had been avoiding for many years. Then - 12/24/2003 “I have had my share of obstacles in our relationship but somehow I always find a way to crawl out of my darkest feelings and try to make it work.  We went to therapy because I was absolutely at rock bottom with my feelings.  Did therapy help?  I don’t know, but I never truly fell back ‘in love’ and I don’t think that was good ...

Last week I was contemplating an eye opening question previously posed by our marriage counselor, this week I’m defensive about an eye opening question posed by my husband Then – 12/23/2003 “Last night was quite interesting.  When ‘Carl’ came home from his AA meeting he was in a bad mood.  It appears that some people were talking about their family life and their ‘happily ever after’ stories.  He said ‘I know this is hard on you but do you have any idea how hard this is on me?’  I grit my teeth and said ‘Yes, I know how hard ...

Then - 12/11/2003 “The big topic that came up during our argument was that he feels I don’t even want to be in a relationship.  He feels that when he’s recovered I don’t even want to stay around; he thinks I’ve already made up my mind on the subject and that nothing he does to get better is going to change that. After rereading this journal (entries written in 2000) I realized that I have felt hurt, disappointment and lack of respect for many years and I’m still plugging along.  Why?  Good question.  I think due in large part to ...

Last week's "My Divorce Journal - What's the Focus?" begins at the turning point of my life, my marriage and my future divorce. Then - 12/4/2003 “I can’t sleep.  It’s 12:00.  I woke up because the dog was barking.  ‘Carl’ was asleep on the couch so I told him to go up to our bed.  My mind was racing with so many thoughts because when he went back to sleep, his breath smelled like liquor to me.  I feel sick to my stomach.  I have so many thoughts racing through my head: Why hasn’t he spoken to his sponsor about wanting ...

Then - 11/1/2003 “I usually write when things are bad and they are as bad as it gets.  ‘Carl’ has been to every doctor known to man, has taken every medicine available and even went to a nutritionist.  For 2 ½ years we’ve been dealing with all of his physical ailments – night sweats, heart palpitations, sleeplessness, throwing up, body twitches, blurred vision.  When physical issues were ruled out he went to a psychiatrist that put him on an anti-anxiety medication and an anti-depressant.  When he started to fall asleep on the couch really early I attributed it to ...